Ive been avoiding

Lately I have been avoiding everything. I haven't wanted to write a blog even though I find them helpful because if I write it and share it it makes it real. What is it? I don't even know. My last few days have been complete chaos. I feel like everything is legitimately falling down all around me. Friends I thought would never leave me are drifting, and the emotions that I have been feeling are much more intense than they have really ever been before.

Last night and today while I was talking to my friend I realized something....school with ACE is too much. Because not just one thing doesn't get done well, neither do. What I mean by this is that going from 8 hours of school to 4 hours of intensive therapy, to 3-5 hours of homework is not realistic for me. And I am feeling the stress.

I went into Rachel's office today not in a great headspace. I skipped school today purely because the thought of facing anyone didn't sound do able. I put on my biggest sweatshirt and today I was invisible. Until I had to go to ace and have my bubble popped. Rachel weighed me and I am down. And then I felt like we spend our entire session talking about what might happen if things don't turn around. That might has become much more likely after my parents found out what my weight was. My mom started crying, and then my dad started talking about having no other choice then the hospital. FUCK.

I just can't seem to wrap my head around why I continue going backwards when everything good is going forward. I wish I had an answer for my parents, my treatment team, my friends, but mostly myself.

Unstable

Today has been a trying day to say the least. I woke up this morning really early because I was anxious about my first class. And then I went to look in the mirror and my mind instantly went to a bad place, but honestly that was the least of it. When I got to school everyone was dressed in their chapel outfits but right after all of the cheerleaders changed into their uniforms. All day I had to smile at my closest friends and tell them how great they looked while I sat there wishing I could be wearing one too. After lunch I only had one class...P.E. I am currently not allowed to do it and therefor I had to sit out for an hour and a half and watch everyone else do what I only wish I could.

On my way to ACE a friend of mine who I did gym with for a lot of years texted me asking if I had heard about my coach. I said I knew some of it. He has been my coach for like 8-10 years. He is honestly like a second dad to me, and I felt so in the dark and so sad about what was going on with him. Anyway he pretty much built up our team program and then when he got sick and had to go into the hospital he got fired....I don't understand. I tried emailing him, and I called leaving him a message. All through mindfulness I felt distracted. Dinner came and the stress of the day plus the stress of my parents just became too much. I wasn't hungry and even more my food tasted like shit. I wonder what normal people do when they get stressed? Because for me it always jumps straight for restricting or eating/purging.

I actually really enjoyed experiential. Although we didn't get to do an activity it was nice to establish the "safety" that the group seeks so often.  That group is honestly the best process even though it isn't supposed to be group.

And I am actually really proud of myself...I had a boost since I had a hard time with dinner and I still managed to come home and drink my ensure. This blog doesn't seem to have much of a point I just really needed to be able to try and sort through my day.

Too close to home

Last night I was watching one of the shows I like, make it or break it. And I literally ended up balling. One of the main girls in the show is struggling with an eating disorder. All this leads me back to is a flood of memories from the past 5 years. I can remember feeling weak. I can remember denying that i had a problem or that i was losing weight. I can remember having coaches talking to me and telling me to eat. I remember being told to eat more because I was shaking, I can remember falling down from getting dizzy. Not only can I remember all of that, but I can't seem to forget it.

Gymnastics was the one thing in my life that I truly whole heartedly loved. I built a second life there, complete with a whole new family. And there I worked to be my best. I dedicated 11 years to that sport and then my eating disorder took it away. I am so regretful for this and I hate myself for it. And as I sit here writing this I can't figure out why I can't stop. Why I can let everything be removed from my control, and yet I can't stop doing this to myself. I feel trapped, and angry and, sad.

Realizations

Today I have been all over the place. I fell asleep last night and therefor had to wake up and FREAK out over getting all of my homework done. And then today I walked around like I was in a blur, I don't remember what went on in each of my classes and I pretty much feel like I wasn't even there. Because yeah I was physically there, but mentally I have absolutely no idea where my mind might have gone.

Then it was the end of the day and I went and talked to the guidance counselor who is nice enough but I guarantee you knows shit about eating disorders which I don't know what to do or how much to tell her. It didn't help my mood that I can't do PE this week because my wait dropped.

When I finally got to ACE my mood was really funky. I felt panicky because it was like I was unconcious  for an entire day, but then I also felt a weird sort of relief? I know....crazy. When I went to my individual appointment we talked, but when asked for specifics what exactly i was eating for lunch, how many times I was purging a week. I didn't want to tell her. I felt like I had this odd ownership over this information and I don't want her or anyone else to know. I could tell she was getting frustrated with me, but honestly I didn't even care.

Dinner went well enough, I thought I did really well but then one of the bitch therapists was like you did not eat enough and I just wanted to punch her. During group I thought about something though I realized that for the past number of years I have tried to keep myself such a "picky" eater that way I won't have as many foods to choose from. I have never really given it much thought, but that is defiantly why I do it.  I also realized my fear of being to fat for this disorder. At this point my body image sucks, but it is not the calories anymore. almost NOTHING feels good in my stomach no matter how "healthy" it is.  I realize now that part of the reason why I am not telling people is because I don't think that they will believe me. I look completely healthy why would they think anything that I tell them.

Today has legitimately been the weirdest day, but it is nice to finally make some since of some of my habits.

Irony

Isn't the world of an eating disorder funny. Here everything is backwards. In this world people aren't looking forward to meals they are dreading them. Here in this world seeing friends is much more of a burden than it has to be because they just don't understand, so isolation clearly becomes the better option. Here everyone is dying to eat their fruits and vegetable, and no one wants to touch a dessert. Here the word puke doesn't mean that you are sick it means you have the same disease as everyone else. In this crazy world too thin does not exist. Even the idea of death doesn't seem scary sometimes, at least then you wouldn't have to deal with this pain. And the thing is that in this world most of these people had the seemingly "perfect" lives before they entered.

The even scarier part is trying to make a jump from this world to recovery. Because in recovery you can't hide from the feelings and the emotions anymore you have to face them. But thats the thing...I don't want to. It's been a rough weekend, I don't know how I am feeling. I think I am going to call someone who understands because i feel like I just need to vent.

Hating it

Last night I had a friend over, and she is awesome it is just too hard. She knows what is going on, but I don't think that she exactly understands the extent of it. I did fine last night when I ate with her, but this morning we went out to breakfast and it was just way to hard she told me that I should really start eating, and then when I starting to cut my food she laughed and asked me what in the world I was doing. I know that she cares and she doesn't realize how hard it is. It just sucks!

I hate being so concerned with thoughts of food all the time, but I have honestly forgotten what it is like to not live like this. I am always thinking of numbers and now it isn't just what I am eating it is also with what other people around me are eating. It is like it never stops.

School on monday at this point seems like it is going to be absolute hell. Hopefully something good will happen I am just not feeling very positive right now :/

Here goes nothing

I have decided to start blogging because I really think I need another outlet. I know that I want to keep it anonymous, but a few friends have tried this and they say it really helps them so I guess we will just see how it goes. Here is my story. I have had an eating disorder for going on 5 years. I am EDNOS...Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I guess that is a self diagnosis because doctors keep going between calling me anorexic and bulimic so I just say EDNOS. For quite a few years the issue was not addressed and then once it was I saw a few nutritionists and an individual therapist, but pretty much nothing changed. Then one day right after summer started i was talking to my individual who decided that she believed I needed more intensive treatment. I am now at ACE...Atlanta Center for Eating disorders. I have spent my entire summer there outpatient 2 days, then 4 days, then PHP. And now I have to go back to school and having to start my freshman year of high school and I am terrified. I have pretty much had to change my entire life for a recovery that I am not always committed to. I am no longer doing any sports soccer, tennis, lacrosse, gymnastics, and cheer have always been things I have been really committed to and now they are gone. Friends who I would see on a daily basis have been replaced with physicians, therapists, psychiatrists, and nutritionists. My family treats me like I am a child again. I have a lost a lot of my motivation for recovery because I feel like my entire life has been ripped out from under me. But there is no turning back the clock. I don't want to end up in the hospital and I have already been warned that if my weight drops or if my purging increases that is where I am going to end up. But that is not an option. So starting Monday I am hoping that I will find the extra kick towards recovery that I am looking for.