Last night I was watching one of the shows I like, make it or break it. And I literally ended up balling. One of the main girls in the show is struggling with an eating disorder. All this leads me back to is a flood of memories from the past 5 years. I can remember feeling weak. I can remember denying that i had a problem or that i was losing weight. I can remember having coaches talking to me and telling me to eat. I remember being told to eat more because I was shaking, I can remember falling down from getting dizzy. Not only can I remember all of that, but I can't seem to forget it.
Gymnastics was the one thing in my life that I truly whole heartedly loved. I built a second life there, complete with a whole new family. And there I worked to be my best. I dedicated 11 years to that sport and then my eating disorder took it away. I am so regretful for this and I hate myself for it. And as I sit here writing this I can't figure out why I can't stop. Why I can let everything be removed from my control, and yet I can't stop doing this to myself. I feel trapped, and angry and, sad.
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