Ive been avoiding

Lately I have been avoiding everything. I haven't wanted to write a blog even though I find them helpful because if I write it and share it it makes it real. What is it? I don't even know. My last few days have been complete chaos. I feel like everything is legitimately falling down all around me. Friends I thought would never leave me are drifting, and the emotions that I have been feeling are much more intense than they have really ever been before.

Last night and today while I was talking to my friend I realized something....school with ACE is too much. Because not just one thing doesn't get done well, neither do. What I mean by this is that going from 8 hours of school to 4 hours of intensive therapy, to 3-5 hours of homework is not realistic for me. And I am feeling the stress.

I went into Rachel's office today not in a great headspace. I skipped school today purely because the thought of facing anyone didn't sound do able. I put on my biggest sweatshirt and today I was invisible. Until I had to go to ace and have my bubble popped. Rachel weighed me and I am down. And then I felt like we spend our entire session talking about what might happen if things don't turn around. That might has become much more likely after my parents found out what my weight was. My mom started crying, and then my dad started talking about having no other choice then the hospital. FUCK.

I just can't seem to wrap my head around why I continue going backwards when everything good is going forward. I wish I had an answer for my parents, my treatment team, my friends, but mostly myself.

Unstable

Today has been a trying day to say the least. I woke up this morning really early because I was anxious about my first class. And then I went to look in the mirror and my mind instantly went to a bad place, but honestly that was the least of it. When I got to school everyone was dressed in their chapel outfits but right after all of the cheerleaders changed into their uniforms. All day I had to smile at my closest friends and tell them how great they looked while I sat there wishing I could be wearing one too. After lunch I only had one class...P.E. I am currently not allowed to do it and therefor I had to sit out for an hour and a half and watch everyone else do what I only wish I could.

On my way to ACE a friend of mine who I did gym with for a lot of years texted me asking if I had heard about my coach. I said I knew some of it. He has been my coach for like 8-10 years. He is honestly like a second dad to me, and I felt so in the dark and so sad about what was going on with him. Anyway he pretty much built up our team program and then when he got sick and had to go into the hospital he got fired....I don't understand. I tried emailing him, and I called leaving him a message. All through mindfulness I felt distracted. Dinner came and the stress of the day plus the stress of my parents just became too much. I wasn't hungry and even more my food tasted like shit. I wonder what normal people do when they get stressed? Because for me it always jumps straight for restricting or eating/purging.

I actually really enjoyed experiential. Although we didn't get to do an activity it was nice to establish the "safety" that the group seeks so often.  That group is honestly the best process even though it isn't supposed to be group.

And I am actually really proud of myself...I had a boost since I had a hard time with dinner and I still managed to come home and drink my ensure. This blog doesn't seem to have much of a point I just really needed to be able to try and sort through my day.

Realizations

Today I have been all over the place. I fell asleep last night and therefor had to wake up and FREAK out over getting all of my homework done. And then today I walked around like I was in a blur, I don't remember what went on in each of my classes and I pretty much feel like I wasn't even there. Because yeah I was physically there, but mentally I have absolutely no idea where my mind might have gone.

Then it was the end of the day and I went and talked to the guidance counselor who is nice enough but I guarantee you knows shit about eating disorders which I don't know what to do or how much to tell her. It didn't help my mood that I can't do PE this week because my wait dropped.

When I finally got to ACE my mood was really funky. I felt panicky because it was like I was unconcious  for an entire day, but then I also felt a weird sort of relief? I know....crazy. When I went to my individual appointment we talked, but when asked for specifics what exactly i was eating for lunch, how many times I was purging a week. I didn't want to tell her. I felt like I had this odd ownership over this information and I don't want her or anyone else to know. I could tell she was getting frustrated with me, but honestly I didn't even care.

Dinner went well enough, I thought I did really well but then one of the bitch therapists was like you did not eat enough and I just wanted to punch her. During group I thought about something though I realized that for the past number of years I have tried to keep myself such a "picky" eater that way I won't have as many foods to choose from. I have never really given it much thought, but that is defiantly why I do it.  I also realized my fear of being to fat for this disorder. At this point my body image sucks, but it is not the calories anymore. almost NOTHING feels good in my stomach no matter how "healthy" it is.  I realize now that part of the reason why I am not telling people is because I don't think that they will believe me. I look completely healthy why would they think anything that I tell them.

Today has legitimately been the weirdest day, but it is nice to finally make some since of some of my habits.