Realizations

Today I have been all over the place. I fell asleep last night and therefor had to wake up and FREAK out over getting all of my homework done. And then today I walked around like I was in a blur, I don't remember what went on in each of my classes and I pretty much feel like I wasn't even there. Because yeah I was physically there, but mentally I have absolutely no idea where my mind might have gone.

Then it was the end of the day and I went and talked to the guidance counselor who is nice enough but I guarantee you knows shit about eating disorders which I don't know what to do or how much to tell her. It didn't help my mood that I can't do PE this week because my wait dropped.

When I finally got to ACE my mood was really funky. I felt panicky because it was like I was unconcious  for an entire day, but then I also felt a weird sort of relief? I know....crazy. When I went to my individual appointment we talked, but when asked for specifics what exactly i was eating for lunch, how many times I was purging a week. I didn't want to tell her. I felt like I had this odd ownership over this information and I don't want her or anyone else to know. I could tell she was getting frustrated with me, but honestly I didn't even care.

Dinner went well enough, I thought I did really well but then one of the bitch therapists was like you did not eat enough and I just wanted to punch her. During group I thought about something though I realized that for the past number of years I have tried to keep myself such a "picky" eater that way I won't have as many foods to choose from. I have never really given it much thought, but that is defiantly why I do it.  I also realized my fear of being to fat for this disorder. At this point my body image sucks, but it is not the calories anymore. almost NOTHING feels good in my stomach no matter how "healthy" it is.  I realize now that part of the reason why I am not telling people is because I don't think that they will believe me. I look completely healthy why would they think anything that I tell them.

Today has legitimately been the weirdest day, but it is nice to finally make some since of some of my habits.