Ive been avoiding

Lately I have been avoiding everything. I haven't wanted to write a blog even though I find them helpful because if I write it and share it it makes it real. What is it? I don't even know. My last few days have been complete chaos. I feel like everything is legitimately falling down all around me. Friends I thought would never leave me are drifting, and the emotions that I have been feeling are much more intense than they have really ever been before.

Last night and today while I was talking to my friend I realized something....school with ACE is too much. Because not just one thing doesn't get done well, neither do. What I mean by this is that going from 8 hours of school to 4 hours of intensive therapy, to 3-5 hours of homework is not realistic for me. And I am feeling the stress.

I went into Rachel's office today not in a great headspace. I skipped school today purely because the thought of facing anyone didn't sound do able. I put on my biggest sweatshirt and today I was invisible. Until I had to go to ace and have my bubble popped. Rachel weighed me and I am down. And then I felt like we spend our entire session talking about what might happen if things don't turn around. That might has become much more likely after my parents found out what my weight was. My mom started crying, and then my dad started talking about having no other choice then the hospital. FUCK.

I just can't seem to wrap my head around why I continue going backwards when everything good is going forward. I wish I had an answer for my parents, my treatment team, my friends, but mostly myself.