Here goes nothing

I have decided to start blogging because I really think I need another outlet. I know that I want to keep it anonymous, but a few friends have tried this and they say it really helps them so I guess we will just see how it goes. Here is my story. I have had an eating disorder for going on 5 years. I am EDNOS...Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I guess that is a self diagnosis because doctors keep going between calling me anorexic and bulimic so I just say EDNOS. For quite a few years the issue was not addressed and then once it was I saw a few nutritionists and an individual therapist, but pretty much nothing changed. Then one day right after summer started i was talking to my individual who decided that she believed I needed more intensive treatment. I am now at ACE...Atlanta Center for Eating disorders. I have spent my entire summer there outpatient 2 days, then 4 days, then PHP. And now I have to go back to school and having to start my freshman year of high school and I am terrified. I have pretty much had to change my entire life for a recovery that I am not always committed to. I am no longer doing any sports soccer, tennis, lacrosse, gymnastics, and cheer have always been things I have been really committed to and now they are gone. Friends who I would see on a daily basis have been replaced with physicians, therapists, psychiatrists, and nutritionists. My family treats me like I am a child again. I have a lost a lot of my motivation for recovery because I feel like my entire life has been ripped out from under me. But there is no turning back the clock. I don't want to end up in the hospital and I have already been warned that if my weight drops or if my purging increases that is where I am going to end up. But that is not an option. So starting Monday I am hoping that I will find the extra kick towards recovery that I am looking for.