Realizations

Today I have been all over the place. I fell asleep last night and therefor had to wake up and FREAK out over getting all of my homework done. And then today I walked around like I was in a blur, I don't remember what went on in each of my classes and I pretty much feel like I wasn't even there. Because yeah I was physically there, but mentally I have absolutely no idea where my mind might have gone.

Then it was the end of the day and I went and talked to the guidance counselor who is nice enough but I guarantee you knows shit about eating disorders which I don't know what to do or how much to tell her. It didn't help my mood that I can't do PE this week because my wait dropped.

When I finally got to ACE my mood was really funky. I felt panicky because it was like I was unconcious  for an entire day, but then I also felt a weird sort of relief? I know....crazy. When I went to my individual appointment we talked, but when asked for specifics what exactly i was eating for lunch, how many times I was purging a week. I didn't want to tell her. I felt like I had this odd ownership over this information and I don't want her or anyone else to know. I could tell she was getting frustrated with me, but honestly I didn't even care.

Dinner went well enough, I thought I did really well but then one of the bitch therapists was like you did not eat enough and I just wanted to punch her. During group I thought about something though I realized that for the past number of years I have tried to keep myself such a "picky" eater that way I won't have as many foods to choose from. I have never really given it much thought, but that is defiantly why I do it.  I also realized my fear of being to fat for this disorder. At this point my body image sucks, but it is not the calories anymore. almost NOTHING feels good in my stomach no matter how "healthy" it is.  I realize now that part of the reason why I am not telling people is because I don't think that they will believe me. I look completely healthy why would they think anything that I tell them.

Today has legitimately been the weirdest day, but it is nice to finally make some since of some of my habits.

Irony

Isn't the world of an eating disorder funny. Here everything is backwards. In this world people aren't looking forward to meals they are dreading them. Here in this world seeing friends is much more of a burden than it has to be because they just don't understand, so isolation clearly becomes the better option. Here everyone is dying to eat their fruits and vegetable, and no one wants to touch a dessert. Here the word puke doesn't mean that you are sick it means you have the same disease as everyone else. In this crazy world too thin does not exist. Even the idea of death doesn't seem scary sometimes, at least then you wouldn't have to deal with this pain. And the thing is that in this world most of these people had the seemingly "perfect" lives before they entered.

The even scarier part is trying to make a jump from this world to recovery. Because in recovery you can't hide from the feelings and the emotions anymore you have to face them. But thats the thing...I don't want to. It's been a rough weekend, I don't know how I am feeling. I think I am going to call someone who understands because i feel like I just need to vent.

Hating it

Last night I had a friend over, and she is awesome it is just too hard. She knows what is going on, but I don't think that she exactly understands the extent of it. I did fine last night when I ate with her, but this morning we went out to breakfast and it was just way to hard she told me that I should really start eating, and then when I starting to cut my food she laughed and asked me what in the world I was doing. I know that she cares and she doesn't realize how hard it is. It just sucks!

I hate being so concerned with thoughts of food all the time, but I have honestly forgotten what it is like to not live like this. I am always thinking of numbers and now it isn't just what I am eating it is also with what other people around me are eating. It is like it never stops.

School on monday at this point seems like it is going to be absolute hell. Hopefully something good will happen I am just not feeling very positive right now :/

Here goes nothing

I have decided to start blogging because I really think I need another outlet. I know that I want to keep it anonymous, but a few friends have tried this and they say it really helps them so I guess we will just see how it goes. Here is my story. I have had an eating disorder for going on 5 years. I am EDNOS...Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I guess that is a self diagnosis because doctors keep going between calling me anorexic and bulimic so I just say EDNOS. For quite a few years the issue was not addressed and then once it was I saw a few nutritionists and an individual therapist, but pretty much nothing changed. Then one day right after summer started i was talking to my individual who decided that she believed I needed more intensive treatment. I am now at ACE...Atlanta Center for Eating disorders. I have spent my entire summer there outpatient 2 days, then 4 days, then PHP. And now I have to go back to school and having to start my freshman year of high school and I am terrified. I have pretty much had to change my entire life for a recovery that I am not always committed to. I am no longer doing any sports soccer, tennis, lacrosse, gymnastics, and cheer have always been things I have been really committed to and now they are gone. Friends who I would see on a daily basis have been replaced with physicians, therapists, psychiatrists, and nutritionists. My family treats me like I am a child again. I have a lost a lot of my motivation for recovery because I feel like my entire life has been ripped out from under me. But there is no turning back the clock. I don't want to end up in the hospital and I have already been warned that if my weight drops or if my purging increases that is where I am going to end up. But that is not an option. So starting Monday I am hoping that I will find the extra kick towards recovery that I am looking for.