Lately I have been avoiding everything. I haven't wanted to write a blog even though I find them helpful because if I write it and share it it makes it real. What is it? I don't even know. My last few days have been complete chaos. I feel like everything is legitimately falling down all around me. Friends I thought would never leave me are drifting, and the emotions that I have been feeling are much more intense than they have really ever been before.
Last night and today while I was talking to my friend I realized something....school with ACE is too much. Because not just one thing doesn't get done well, neither do. What I mean by this is that going from 8 hours of school to 4 hours of intensive therapy, to 3-5 hours of homework is not realistic for me. And I am feeling the stress.
I went into Rachel's office today not in a great headspace. I skipped school today purely because the thought of facing anyone didn't sound do able. I put on my biggest sweatshirt and today I was invisible. Until I had to go to ace and have my bubble popped. Rachel weighed me and I am down. And then I felt like we spend our entire session talking about what might happen if things don't turn around. That might has become much more likely after my parents found out what my weight was. My mom started crying, and then my dad started talking about having no other choice then the hospital. FUCK.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around why I continue going backwards when everything good is going forward. I wish I had an answer for my parents, my treatment team, my friends, but mostly myself.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Unstable
Today has been a trying day to say the least. I woke up this morning really early because I was anxious about my first class. And then I went to look in the mirror and my mind instantly went to a bad place, but honestly that was the least of it. When I got to school everyone was dressed in their chapel outfits but right after all of the cheerleaders changed into their uniforms. All day I had to smile at my closest friends and tell them how great they looked while I sat there wishing I could be wearing one too. After lunch I only had one class...P.E. I am currently not allowed to do it and therefor I had to sit out for an hour and a half and watch everyone else do what I only wish I could.
On my way to ACE a friend of mine who I did gym with for a lot of years texted me asking if I had heard about my coach. I said I knew some of it. He has been my coach for like 8-10 years. He is honestly like a second dad to me, and I felt so in the dark and so sad about what was going on with him. Anyway he pretty much built up our team program and then when he got sick and had to go into the hospital he got fired....I don't understand. I tried emailing him, and I called leaving him a message. All through mindfulness I felt distracted. Dinner came and the stress of the day plus the stress of my parents just became too much. I wasn't hungry and even more my food tasted like shit. I wonder what normal people do when they get stressed? Because for me it always jumps straight for restricting or eating/purging.
I actually really enjoyed experiential. Although we didn't get to do an activity it was nice to establish the "safety" that the group seeks so often. That group is honestly the best process even though it isn't supposed to be group.
And I am actually really proud of myself...I had a boost since I had a hard time with dinner and I still managed to come home and drink my ensure. This blog doesn't seem to have much of a point I just really needed to be able to try and sort through my day.
On my way to ACE a friend of mine who I did gym with for a lot of years texted me asking if I had heard about my coach. I said I knew some of it. He has been my coach for like 8-10 years. He is honestly like a second dad to me, and I felt so in the dark and so sad about what was going on with him. Anyway he pretty much built up our team program and then when he got sick and had to go into the hospital he got fired....I don't understand. I tried emailing him, and I called leaving him a message. All through mindfulness I felt distracted. Dinner came and the stress of the day plus the stress of my parents just became too much. I wasn't hungry and even more my food tasted like shit. I wonder what normal people do when they get stressed? Because for me it always jumps straight for restricting or eating/purging.
I actually really enjoyed experiential. Although we didn't get to do an activity it was nice to establish the "safety" that the group seeks so often. That group is honestly the best process even though it isn't supposed to be group.
And I am actually really proud of myself...I had a boost since I had a hard time with dinner and I still managed to come home and drink my ensure. This blog doesn't seem to have much of a point I just really needed to be able to try and sort through my day.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Too close to home
Last night I was watching one of the shows I like, make it or break it. And I literally ended up balling. One of the main girls in the show is struggling with an eating disorder. All this leads me back to is a flood of memories from the past 5 years. I can remember feeling weak. I can remember denying that i had a problem or that i was losing weight. I can remember having coaches talking to me and telling me to eat. I remember being told to eat more because I was shaking, I can remember falling down from getting dizzy. Not only can I remember all of that, but I can't seem to forget it.
Gymnastics was the one thing in my life that I truly whole heartedly loved. I built a second life there, complete with a whole new family. And there I worked to be my best. I dedicated 11 years to that sport and then my eating disorder took it away. I am so regretful for this and I hate myself for it. And as I sit here writing this I can't figure out why I can't stop. Why I can let everything be removed from my control, and yet I can't stop doing this to myself. I feel trapped, and angry and, sad.
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